rise with cries

It is impossible to say where I found the motivation to get up this morning. Perhaps it was the thought of not slipping into another nightmare of faces I'd rather not see. Some how though, I got up, showered, dressed, drank green tea. Running on empty, running on routine I left the house and made my way to the train. Duty bound to my employers and my bank manager but nothing else. I would give anything not to be on this train going to work this morning. I would take anything else. It plagues me daily this chemical imbalance between my ears.
It all falls to pieces so easily... I changed jackets before leaving the house, leaving my tobacco, rizlas and lighter in the pocket of the other garment. For a man as dependent on smoking as me, with as little money as me - this is an earth shattering revelation. It is fashion, self image, self esteem that has brought me to this. I swapped a jacket for a jumper because my only clean t-shirt which I'm wearing is quite tight fitting and therefore shows off my slightly build and detested body. So instead of having to walk around a hot office all day in a coat to hide my meager muscles - I put a jumper on, forgetting to transfer the contents of the pockets. Now My credit card will get put into action and I'll be even later for work.
Of course none of this matters really, but none of it makes anything an easier. It's just getting harder to go on and on. How or why will I get up tomorrow?