Depression, Dreams, Euphoria. Repeat.

Stephen Fry had a documentary on BBC2 tonight about manic depression. I pre-empted him with my own 4 hours of mental chaos earlier on today.

After 5 hours of drink induced sleep I awoke at 4.45 this morning, initially just confused as to why my alarm had not woken me up to watch the overnight football game from America on Channel 5. It took 10 minutes of fumbling and stumbling to locate my alarm system / mobile phone beside me beneath the duvet, having searched the entire house, the alarm was set but not activated for 2am. After that I spent 5 minutes stone cold sober and wide awake watching the preview of next weeks game on the TV. Returning to my bedroom my head became a chaotic mess, twisting, turning from debt, to heartbreak, to work, too illness to general matters of life, love and death on grand scales. Unslept an hour later I was naked screaming, banging my head against the foot of the bed - "Get out - Get out! Just let me sleep" But my brain was far from finished with it's torture of my soul and body. Ten minutes later there were the sounds of those readying for work and I had reached what all insomniacs will know as no return, bird song. Then the magic words kick in, Don't just lay there - Do something. So as the crescent moon faded away to the sun's rise I made a list of all the things racking my brains, smoked a cigarette in the garden before returning to bed. Eyes firmly shut, duvet, over head and brain blanked I slept. I woke to my reset alarms a mere hour and a half later to find the world and my mind had changed. I had just lived, vicariously through a myriad of wonderful lucid dreams. Each bathed in sunshine and none containing anything from the list. There had been dreams within dreams. Laughter with loved ones, swimming in the ocean with seals, fighting off playful puppies and a universal sense that everything was as beautiful as my own self image in my unconsciousness. I awoke with such a feeling of bliss I couldn't help laughing to myself as I went about my morning routine; even at my near death slip upon entering the shower. Inexplicably I then smiled all the way to the train station. I was at one with the world, my mind, my life - or moreover they were at one with me. I sat on the train at a table, I position I never normally feel worthy of and put the last 4 hours into these words. Now it is after a day in the office and the list is creeping back to my brain. Each item plagues my waking mental state even if it does not reside in my unconsciousness world and mind.

I watched the documentary and every word spoke to me in some degree, there is no doubt now in my self diagnosis - rapid cycling, that is me. I know my manic episodes do not last long enough for any real concern - I don't have the financial capacity to disappear for months at a time. But I know I would if I could. What would I score in the test? What cocktail of meds would they select to overt my madness? The grip of depression never really leaves me, even when manic, I am still living for the lows. My inner world with it's delusions of grandeur. The struggle to find get up and go, the struggle to sleep. The all encompassing sense of it all.

Self diagnosis. Self medication. Self harm. Self destruction. This is what makes me, me. And no Mr. Fry I would not trade it either. It gives me these words.
I'll need something to sleep. I need something to be sad about. Then it will change again and I may escape to bliss. Be atop the world, driven, adept.
Knowing always disaster awaits at each turn. But I go on, ever on.
My self worth too low to inflict the pain of my demise on others. Or is it a lack of courage that one day will evaporate? Surviving for survival's sake.

Find a level, keep it there.
To be stable is everything.
But there are no drugs, nor anyone's to steal.
And it all just reached the surface.
Because there really is no more money for booze.
I don't subscribe to alcoholism,
but is preferable over suicide.
I may well sleep tonight
but if I should, it is more than likely
that recurring nightmares
and madness will wash me over board.